Hi cool cat,
I’m Ariella and my pronouns are they/she.
I’m obsessed with being queer, and obsessed with dating…and think you can be too.
(Side note-I am actually allergic to cats and a queer therapist once told me that this will probably work against me in the queer dating world. Happy to report it has only been a minor inconvenience so far! Thank you to the cool queers with cats I have dated for being so accommodating and thank you to your cool cats who may or may not be queer.)
So why dating coaching?
For years friends have come to me for advice on dating and relationships. Whether it’s role-playing conversations for how to ask someone out or my recommendations for talking to your platonic friend about being your sex-bud, I have been the person they call. Dating is my favorite conversation topic. It’s been my main hobby for the past six years, and I find it endlessly fascinating.
But I haven’t always been this way.
When I graduated college for musical theatre I had this wild idea that I should go on a date for every audition I went on. If you are an actor and know what it’s like to be a recent college graduate, that equals a TON of dates.
Why did I do this?
I was equally scared of both. I was navigating a fear of rejection and the potential to take things personally in both arenas. I would be nervous about what I looked like, self-conscious about what others would think of me.
My theory was that doubling down would be the quickest way to get over the hump, the quickest way to find strength in my industry and power in my personal life.
In many ways, this was actually very successful. I started asking people out… a lot.
I would still feel nervous, but it felt fun to power through. To feel someone out. To try to read what is going on with them quickly and respond accordingly.
It felt like a cool improvisational dance focused on making my scene partner feel comfortable, and I was having a blast.
Pause real quick. I used the word “successful” a few sentences ago and in the spirit of clarity I want to define that for you.
I define success in a dating context as being able to move through fear.
It is not about entering into relationships with immediacy, and it is most certainly not about "finding your person”.
It’s about enjoying the ride.
It’s about connecting with other people regardless of whether or not we want to be their partner.
It’s about seeing others as the full human beings that they are, even if it turns out that they are not our cup of tea.
It’s about divorcing our self-worth, as much as possible, from whether someone wants to see us again.
It’s about being in touch with how we’re feeling and practicing transparency, generosity, and kindness toward others, assuming they haven’t done something that takes away that privilege.
And, most of all, it’s about staying present in the moment. Approaching interactions with an open posture of “What is here? What can I learn here?” instead of keeping our arms crossed saying, “How do you fit in my already established picture?”
Okay, resume.
One of the proudest moments in my dating-all-the-time-journey was when I asked out my celebrity crush at the stage door of the Broadway show he was the lead in.
It was. Bad. Ass.
And no, I did not know him.
(P.P.S- It’s popular in the pick up artist community to really brag about who you ask out and “how hot they are compared to how hot you are.” MESSSSSSSSS. Very harmful. Bad bad bad. Pick up basically uses human psychology against us to perpetuate a game in order to get what you want. That is not how I roll here. Know that my celebrity brag will be the only brag of its kind, and know that I asked him out showing genuine interest, not by playing hard to get or seeming falsely unavailable.)
But you should also know, not everyone I ask out, even now, practiced in this thing, says yes. I still fall prey to the hasty, flirty insta DM that falls flat. My stomach still drops when I see someone I’m interested in getting to know, and I still have to give myself a pep talk before approaching a person (unless my legs beat my brain to the punch and already started walking up to them…which also happens…)
But that’s the fun part about this coaching business.
I’m in the trenches doing the thing with you (and based on my orientation toward non-monogamy, always will be in some capacity.) I’m giving you tools I have tried myself, synthesizing the most interesting information on human connection and dating, and repurposing it into a little digestible package for your consumption. It’s a blast.
I, quite frankly, have a ton of experience. I have dated many (many) different types of people (though I’m pretty gay these days) and I’m constantly learning about dating either from being in the field myself, or from reading about it. I am a personal development junkie who prides myself on the ability to move through difficult conversations and teach others how to as well. I also have two Life Coaching Certifications and a Yoga Teacher Training (RYT-500 hours), and am currently in a Graduate Advanced Certificate Program in Columbia University’s School of Psychology in Sexuality, Women, and Gender with a concentration in LGBTQ Issues.
If you want dating to be fun and fulfilling on its own…get at me.
Toppy photo FTW!